When people find out I adopted my children, they generally feel the need to make a comment, ask a question, or tell me a story they feel somehow relates. What they might not realize is they are beginning to tread into my own personal minefield of emotion. They may be able to sidestep any issues and escape unharmed, but saying the wrong thing might just tap into the years of emotional stress, financial hardship, and invasive medical procedures that have gotten me to this point. If that is the case, watch out for an explosion.
I generally take comments from strangers, and even friends with a grain of salt. Most people are not trying to be offensive or rude, and I can usually respond with humor and grace. However, there are a few comments/questions that really cross the line and should not be said. Tread carefully when walking through a minefield! To help you along the way, here are 5 things you should never say to an adoptive mother.
- “As soon as you adopt, you will get pregnant”. Variations: I know so and so who adopted, and then they got pregnant. Adoption is not a treatment for infertility! Besides the fact that less than 10% of people who adopt later conceive a child, do you really want to know details of why a couple is either unable to get pregnant or are choosing not to? I generally prefer not to explain details of my fertility status to strangers in the grocery store. There is also no good answer to this comment. I don’t hope to get pregnant, nor do I hope not to get pregnant, and I am at a loss of how to answer this inane comment.
“Was your daughter’s birth mother on drugs?” Variations: Was her birth mom a teenager? Does her birth mom have other children? Most of these questions imply a negative stereotype of birth mothers. I gotta tell you, the two women who created and gave birth to my children are not stereotypes. They created my children and my family, and I hold a great deal of love and respect for them. So, first of all, assuming negative stereotypes about them offends me. Second of all, it is none of your business. Third, how dare you ask those things in front of my children? They are coming to their own understanding of their stories and histories, and it is inappropriate to make casual remarks and assume that I will answer such personal questions with them standing there listening.
“I could never give away a baby that cute”. Variations: I could never do that, how could she do that. Oh, sure. The woman must have thought the baby was ugly, and THAT’S why she made an adoption plan. It couldn’t have had anything to do with real, actual issues that made adoption the best option for her and the baby. If you paused to think, just for a second, you would realize what an idiotic statement this is, and why it is offensive.
“Where is her real mom?” Variations: Do you know her natural mother, what do you know about her real/natural mom? If you MUST ask (and please think long and hard before you decide that you must), please take the time to educate yourself enough to use the proper language. My children have 2 mothers. This is not something I hide, nor is it something I take offense to. But the words “real” and “natural” describe both of us. We are both REAL. We are both NATURAL. I am my kids Mom, or if you must, their adoptive mom. They also have a birth mom, or a biological mom. Those terms are accurate and non-offensive.
“How much did they cost?” Variations: What did you pay for your kids? Truth be told, my kids were free. Unlike those who give birth, I did pay agencies and lawyers to make our parent/child relationship legal. If you want to ask how much it costs to adopt, I will be happy to answer. But asking about money in regards to my children implies that I somehow purchased them, or paid someone money for them, which is untrue and offensive.
I am not saying you should never ask me about my family situation. I am only asking that you remain respectful. Ask questions that are phrased in accurate terms. Don’t ask personal, difficult questions in front of my children. Don’t ask a question that has a 30 minute answer if we only have 30 seconds to talk. If you have a reason and desire to know more about adoption, or more about our family, simply explain yourself, and ask if there is a time when we could talk more. I actually love to talk about adoption, and I hope this helps decrease your chances of stumbling onto a hidden landmine.
An original Deep South Moms blog post. Shanna blogs about adoption, family life, and whatever else pops into her head at 3 cute kids.
