Southern Sayings I Will Never Say

I lived in the Northeast for almost two decades before I moved to the South (where I've lived for more than ten years).  While I've not acquired the taste for sweet tea, I do love fried okra.  I no longer carry Chapstick in the back pocket of my jeans but have instead learned to wear lipstick every-single-day-of-my-life-no-matter-what-and-no-matter-where-I'm-going.  My thick wool sweaters have been relegated to the Good Will and have made room in my closet for light cottony cardigans.  I have a front porch and while it has no swing, it has a rocking chair.  And as far as my speech, I think I'm straddling the fence in that area just a little.

You see, I don't have a Yankee accent (or a Southern accent for that matter, though my friends up north would surely disagree with me).  But there are many words I still use that I would consider "Yankee speak".  I am neither willing nor able to use these words in the form of their Southern translation and do not anticipate that this will change any time soon (or anytime not soon for that matter).  The list of words and/or phrases that have not entered my vocabulary in more than 10 years follows:

• Sucker.  It is a lollipop, NOT a sucker.  A sucker is someone who has received the bad end of a deal or is considered gullible or otherwise easy to fool.
• Lid.  A cover goes on the top of your Coke from McDonald's, not a lid.
• Bless her heart.  To be honest, I don't know why I haven't adopted this phrase as it affords one the ability to say something deeply offensive to or about someone but then immediately erase any damage that may have been done to the relationship simply by ending the sentence (or tirade) with "Bless your heart" or "Bless her heart".  An example: "That Mary really isn't very bright.  Or pretty.  And she could afford to lose a few pounds.  Bless her heart."  Suddenly, Mary doesn't seem quite so bad, bless her heart.
• Mash.  For heaven's sake, you push a button, you do not mash it.  Mash is a way to prepare potatoes.  For instance, I will never say, "Darn this t.v. remote!  I keeping mashing the power button and the t.v. still won't turn on.  Stupid remote.  Bless its heart.

However, despite my steadfast desire to remain true to my Yankee roots, there a few Southern terms I have picked up that (in my opinion) significantly add to my communication capabilities.

• Circle the wagons.  This means that you and a group of friends help someone out.  I love this saying.  I love the visual that it conjures, of friends literally forming a circle around someone who really needs you, keeping all the good in and all the bad out.  A few months ago, my husband actually used this phrase in conjunction with another Southern phrase that I haven't quite been able to master the use of yet.  He said, "We are going to circle the wagons and dress him down."  I hope his plan was to help a friend out by giving an adversary a hard time.  Either that or they were going to do donuts in the parking lot with an old Radio Flyer while the other guy got naked.  I sincerely hope this was not the case.
• Ya'll.  It sounds so much cuter and much less ignorant than the term I used to use when addressing a group of people which was "you guys" (think Joe Pecci in that movie where he plays an attorney).  You know you are really Southern when you use the plural of ya'll which is "all ya'll".  All ya'll is appropriate for addressing a very large group of people, not just a small group.
• Fixin'.  Okay, I don't say this a lot, but when I do, I am often startled to hear it come of my mouth.  But I really like how quickly I can make my point.  Rather than saying, "I am preparing to get the children bathed and into bed so they can retire for the evening," I can say, "I'm fixin' to put the kids to bed."  So succinct!  So efficient!
• Dresser.  I don't know why the good people of the Northeast haven't caught on yet, but clearly, you keep your clothes in a dresser, not a bureau.  A bureau is some sort of office, like the Water Reclamation Bureau or the Bureau of Tourism.  You get dressed in your clothes so you obviously keep them in your dresser.  Why would you keep them in an office?

I'm not sure where this leaves me in terms of my regional identity.  It looks like it could go either way.  For now, I will continue to put covers on my Cokes and will mash my potatoes but not buttons (all the while wearing a fresh coat of lipstick and eating fried okra).  And I will continue to encourage my sons to say "Yes ma'am", because while their mother may be a full-blown Yankee, they will be Southern gentlemen if I have anything to say about it.

This an original Deep South Moms post.  Jen Slipakoff also writes at www.talesofasouthernyankee.blogspot.com.