Deep South Moms

Matters of Life and Death

I lost someone dear to me last week and, as these things do, it has put me in a reflective mood.  The number of people who flooded my uncle’s hospital room, to say last words, to support his wife and daughters, was phenomenal.  The hospital staff moved him to a larger room and gave us the one next door as well to handle all the visitors and still they spilled out into the hall.  He was in an unresponsive state for the last two days but the people kept coming, often bringing food and drinks for the family so that they would not have to leave his side. 

These people all had busy lives I’m sure.  Like the rest of us, they had jobs, houses that needed cleaning, meals that needed cooking,  and kids that needing schlepping to this or that activity.  They had not planned their week to include hours at the hospital, nor had I, but love for this man drew us there.  The suddenness of it had taken us all by surprise.  He was fine on  Sunday.  Went to church twice and out to eat in between.  He had gone to the grocery store on Monday.  On Wednesday he was in a coma and on Friday he passed away quietly, without drama or fanfare.

I'm learning to FLY

This week I bought a book that’s supposed to change my life.  I’ve known about this book for a while but I finally decided I was really ready to try it.  Probably some leftover New Year’s resolution hormone.  I’m sure a lot of you have heard of the FlyLady.  For those who haven’t, her real name is Marla Cilley and she’s been helping people like me get rid of the CHAOS in their lives since 1999.  CHAOS is the term she coined for “Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome” (because your house is so messy or disorganized that you are embarrassed when anyone drops over).

The book  (Sink Reflections, Bantam Books) is a very straight forward, easy to follow plan to take control of your house that relies heavily on routine.  Daily routines and weekly routines that, over time, are supposed to result in actually spending less time cleaning and having a much cleaner house, and a much better attitude to boot.  Now I know routine means boring to some folks, but I’m a big fan of routine.  Without it, I tend to waste a lot of time and let important things like daily showers parent meetings and dental appointments slip through the cracks.

Do It Yourself Salon

The evidence was staring me in the face, there on the bathroom floor, but my brain was not processing it.  Does Not Compute.  I picked up a handful of hair and walked to my room, where my six year old daughter was peacefully watching cartoons on my bed.  “What is this?”  I asked.  (Stupid question I know, but so were the others swirling around in my strangely numb brain:  “Is this your hair?  Why is it not on your head?”) 

She turned disinterested eyes my way long enough to say “I don’t know” then went back to watching her show.  “This was on the floor,” I persisted “how did it get there?”  Honestly, even while I was saying this I knew I sounded like an idiot but my mind refused to believe the obvious answer to my questions.  Again she slid her eyes in my direction.  “I don’t know” she repeated.  As I came closer I finally saw what I could not at first discern: a large patch of stubble right at the part of her hair, in the very front, clipped all the way to the scalp.  Amazingly, because her hair is so thick and dark and there were longer strands just behind it falling forward, it was virtually unnoticeable.

All in the Family

As I have mentioned, we’re in the process of moving my husband’s parents closer to us.  Really close.  67 seconds from driveway to driveway (in a car) to be exact.  And believe it or not it was actually mostly my idea.  I get some crazy ideas sometimes.

Actually, we’ve always lived less than an hours drive away and it’s been just fine but I’m wondering just how much this will change the dynamic.  Before now we never really had to worry about the “drop-in” (a practice I find extremely rude and will rant against with passion if anyone gets me started) but I have a feeling that’s going to change.  And I’m not exactly sure how I want to handle it because I’m a conflict avoider by nature.  Ask anyone but my husband.

Christmas Blues

I have the Christmas blues.  Can a good mommy hate December?  Is that allowed?  December is the official month when many families lose their minds financially.  At least, I am pretty sure it‘s not just ours.  Here’s the thing:  All year long we have a budget (I use that term in the loosest sense, I’ll admit) but there are many things we just don’t do or don’t buy because we don’t have the money.  Or, to put it more accurately, there are other things we need to spend our money on.  Food and the mortgage come immediately to mind.

However, in the “magical” month of December, the budget disappears.  I hate to sound so Scrooge-like but most years I’d just like to skip December altogether and get on with the “let’s start fresh and do everything right for a change” month of January.  It has its own stresses I suppose, what with us all trying to fix everything that’s wrong with ourselves, but at least it’s heading in a positive direction.  As a whole we're generally focused on making better decisions.

Holiday shopping--Staples style

This post made possible by Staples

I won!!  Who doesn’t like those words?  I love to win, it doesn’t matter what the prize, or even if there is no prize, I just loooove to be a winner!  (My family thinks maybe I’m just a bit too intense about this.  Family game night can get a little fierce around here.)  So, of course, when SV Moms asked if I was interested in entering a contest to win a $200 gift card from Staples, I was all over it.  I needed to spend this card between November 15-30 and then write a blog about my shopping experience by December 3.  Easy, peasy, right?  That’s what I thought too.

I was very excited to have won.  I posted it as my status on Facebook and got several comments from friends who thought it was pretty great too.  FedEx delivered the card on November 17 so I had ample time to plan and shop.  This is where it gets complicated.  

Women...who needs 'em?

The company of other women is essential to my health and well being.  This fact has only recently made itself known to me and it’s kind of a surprising realization.  Perhaps the reason I’ve never really noticed how important my fellow females are is that for most of my life there’s been no need to actively seek them out.  I’ve always been surrounded by other girls, from my Grandmother’s home day care, all through school and at every job I’ve ever had they were always around: chatting, listening, giving advice, laughing, giving sympathy or encouragement, just being uniquely female.

Then I had my first child and quit my job to stay at home.  At that time, all of my friends worked full time outside the home and so I found myself quite alone for the first time.  It was not pretty.  I’m guessing I had a bit of postpartum depression but all I really know is that I was very lonely, very sad, and my husband simply could not help no matter how hard he tried.  I’m embarrassed even now to remember calling my friends at their jobs just because I was so desperate for another woman to talk to!

The Invisible Woman

How is it that everyone in my family feels they could use more clothes, yet I can hardly walk for the piles in my laundry room and no one is naked?  And on those days when I feel as though I am constantly feeding the washing machine, trying to get a glimpse of the bottom of the basket, all the folded stuff won’t fit in our drawers.  I have been known to wash 7 loads in one day.  Yes, you read that right:  SEVEN.  That only happens when I do something crazy though, like get sick or dare to take a weekend “off“.   Usually it’s one or two loads per day.  Granted, there are six of us, but that still seems a bit much doesn’t it?  I feel a trip to the Goodwill donation center coming on.

Laundry is easily my least favorite chore.  It’s so relentless.  Unending.  It’s also one of the “invisible” chores.  You know what I’m talking about?  Some things make a huge impact and really make you feel productive, like picking up toys in the living room (I mean after the kids are in bed of course, otherwise you may as well be shoveling snow in the midst of the storm) or cleaning the kitchen after a meal.  Getting all those dishes neatly into the dishwasher and wiping down all the counters makes a noticeable improvement in the room you can see and appreciate.  Likewise wiping all the toothpaste off the bathroom mirror (and counter, and cabinet fronts, and floor--what do they DO in there anyway??) and scrubbing the science experiment out of the toilet bowl leaves that room shining and smelling good.  You can tell you’ve been in there.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

Don’t EVER lie to me.  I’m serious.  That is something I cannot tolerate.  You can hurt my feelings, forget a lunch date, change plans at the last minute or wreck my car and I’ll forgive you but I have a long memory and a deep distrust when it comes to someone who has lied.  That’s a biggie in my book. 

Now before you think I’m a little too “holier than thou”, hear me out.  I’m not talking about those little lies everyone tells.   Those polite words that make things nicer or make someone feel better.  I’ll admit to telling a few of those myself, though I do try very hard not to tell an actual untruth.  For instance, if a dress isn’t particularly flattering (but my friend has already purchased it and is wearing it while we’re out) there is nothing to be gained by saying this to her.  So if she asks “What do you think about my new dress?”  I might say something like, “That is such a gorgeous color!  Where did you find it?”  I will find as many positive (true) things as I can to say about the dress without saying “It looks great on you”.  Same goes for food that someone has prepared. You can usually find something nice to say enthusiastically without saying “It’s delicious!” (But if you can’t, well then say “It’s delicious!” and say it with feeling!  It’s just plain rude not to and besides, if you’re lucky enough to have someone preparing food for you then count your blessings!)

No more excuses, baby...it is ON!!

Writers write, right?  That’s what I’ve heard.  Makes sense.  You can’t just say you’re a writer because you have ideas, you have to write them down.  And edit.  And polish.  And re-write.  All of which takes time, focus, and patience.  Things that are in limited supply at my house. 

Oh, I know, I’ve got just as much time as anyone else, it’s true.  But somehow time at home with a toddler is different than time at home alone or with, say, a teenager, which I‘ve come to find is about like being home alone.  Off in their rooms on their laptops, they only come out when hunger drives them to seek out food….but that’s another story altogether.